Tomorrow is the day that I attempt to start taking my life back.
Things have been slowly creeping out of control for the last 3 years, but the last 5 months I feel like I have fallen off the cliff.
Every so often during the past half year, I would think about how disappointed I was with myself. I would mentally beat myself up for a day or so, then go back to the safety of my pathetic comfort zone. I would cry and berate myself for losing the focus and determination that I had just a few short years ago, then go back to sitting in my chair and watching TV.
How did I get here?
How did I fall so far?
I know the circumstances, the events and the people that caused me to lose all my confidence, I just didn't know it at the time it was happening. I could elaborate on those things, but I don't think I am ready for that yet. I know I will have to confront it at some point in this journey I am about to embark on. I blamed those things for a long time and never took responsibility for my reactions to them which is what really led me to where I am now.
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In July of this year, my husband and kids and I went to Colorado for vacation. On our second day there, we took the cog railway to the top of Pike's Peak. When we were done and heading back to the parking lot, I looked up and saw the Manitou incline.
I remembered a friend of mine posting a few months back when she had climbed to the summit of the incline. Until she posted that, I didn't know that the old incline railway was gone. The views looked amazing and I tried to push away the disappointment that I wouldn't be able to do that climb.
Standing there with my kids as I looked at that steep and intimidating trail, I felt such a profound sadness. All I could do was look at it. Long gone were the days when I wouldn't be afraid to attempt something like that.
Two days later, when we went to visit Helen Hunt Falls, my son scampered up the trail to the top of the falls and beyond. I wanted to be with him, but I was afraid to even try the lower trail.
Two weeks after we got back from Colorado, I was looking at Facebook and saw that another one of my friends was in Colorado and she had climbed the Manitou incline. That was the moment that I decided that I didn't have to be sad about it anymore. If I wanted to climb it, all I would have to do is train, get back in shape and do it.
It sounds so simple when I see it written out like that. It doesn't feel that way in my head.
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For the last two years, I had been continuing to go to the gym hoping to "fake it til I could make it". I kept waiting for something to kick in and motivate me like it did in the beginning of this journey six years ago. Doing it for myself or because I deserved it didn't seem like a good enough reason.
Now it does.
Now I want to do it for me.
Now I want to do so I can feel good about myself again.
Now I want to do it so I can climb mountains.
